If you’re like me, you might be headed to your relatives house for the holidays, and many of you might be going to homes where you are the minority. Gasp! You’re actually deaf in a hearing-dominated household.
Here are some tips you can actually consider to pass the time or make this much less of an ordeal.
1. Be prepared. No, this isn’t a Boy Scouts convention. It means to be prepared for everything and anything. You wouldn’t want to be caught off guard. I’ve learned the hard way. Great-grandmother’s coming and you didn’t know? Smile and go with the flow. There’s an impromptu event that no one shared with you? Just do it. Simply be prepared.
2. Have things to do. I think this year is different for me because I don’t have a companion to pass the time with. I’ve always had my ex-wife with me to keep me sane. This year, I’m already screaming for companionship. It does help to have my daughter with me, but when she’s playing with her new Nerf toy or fawning over her aunt, I’m all alone. I’ve resorted to reading one of the books I brought with me (this one being Brisingr), or spending time on the computer. Just last night I had an awesome Skype conversation with a friend.
3. Be patient. I’ve had dinner two nights in a row with my relatives, and unfortunately, both nights, these two relatives were talking the entire time at the dinner table and I had no idea what they were talking about, so I just ate my dinner in silence and made small talk with Leah. Tonight, I gave up and left the table after I ate. Sometimes it pays to be patient, but my patience is wearing thin, especially with two more nights to go before I go back home.
4. Being helpful can go a long way. Instead of brooding in silence in my bedroom, I could do something proactive and help out. Whether it’s helping decorate the house, helping prepare meals, or just making yourself available around the house, the relatives would appreciate it. Even if these moments may go entirely without one word uttered, you’d feel good.
5. Numb the pain. It can be painful to be left alone, to be ignored, to be told “oh, it’s nothing important” when you ask what everyone’s talking about. Believe me, I know. This is speaking from 20+ years of experience. It only got worse when my parents got divorced. This is why for the past few years my ex and I both made a joint-decision to celebrate the holidays in our own home, and make brief trips to visit our immediate families during the holidays. Your family loves you. So, just be there for them and hold onto the pain and find another way to release it later.
6. Be honest and open about your feelings. The same friend I mentioned above isn’t going home for the holidays for the first time ever. She made this decision based on feeling the same way I am feeling right now. It was hard for her to be home and feeling alone. So, what she did was she wrote an email to her family members to explain her reasons why she was not going home for the holidays this year. That email probably made some of her family members well-up with tears or feel guilty for years of pushing aside their deaf relative, but that was a heartfelt, genuine email. I’ve done this before, and none of my family members really liked hearing what I said, but I was honest and open about my feelings. If you are too, it will help the situation, at least on your end.
When all else fails…remember that you’re there for your relatives, and after all, it’s the holiday season!
been there, done that… and still experiencing it since i have 4736271837472 relatives here in VA. my companion is my sister and quite honestly- i hate going to family events without her because i know for sure i won’t be left behind. whenever relatives ask what we’re talking about- we simply give them the same treatment they give us. but yea– hang in there.
happy holidays, chris! *hugs*
It’s a blessing you have Smitha…it does help with the moments of hearing-ism… Happy holidays to you too! HUGS!
As I got older, my parents became more sensitive to my needs as a deaf person and they let me go anywhere I want during the holidays as long as I make the time to spend at least an hour or two with them, alone or with the entire family. I’d show up right around meal time…give everyone a hug, mingle a bit, talk to a couple of relatives I’m most comfortable with…and then after I eat, I’d take off and go home/go to my room or go to a friend’s house where communication is mostly in ASL. It started with my dad setting aside two trays in the living room for just me and him while everyone ate in the dining room…some relatives felt bothered by it (even after my parents reminded them over and over that it’s equally as, if not more, bothersome for me to sit with them and not understand a thing)…then my parents asked me to bring friends over, which helped a bit…and then they eventually realized it’s not so important to have me there during the holidays, it’s more important that I enjoy myself instead of feeling left out and that we have spent so much time together throughout the year besides the holidays. Everyday is a gift, after all. Two years ago, I hired an interpreter to hang out with me during family functions and it HELPED A LOT! My family was so impressed that they started hiring interpreters after that. It felt good being able to catch most of everything my family talked about and to communicate with them without misunderstanding anything or asking them to repeat. Ahhh!
Hey…happy holidays CK! Hope 2010 brings you and your loved ones wonderful things!
Hugs!
That’s an awesome arrangement your parents have with you. I love that idea, especially your dad sitting with you alone in the living room, then inviting friends, then getting an interpreter. I’ve often teased about getting interpreters, but these things turn out to be expensive. I think this year is more sensitive for me because I don’t have anyone to talk to, really. My family is all nice and supportive, but there are often times when they forget to include me. *sighs*
Happy holidays to you too! HUGS
I love this. This is exactly how I feel when I come home from College & it’s always been like this!
Chris,
I finally got the chance to read this. I know I should have read this at the moment you mentioned you wrote this. You expressed well and i’m glad we are not alone about this. I could feel you when reading through this. I’m coming from a family just like you- It’s one of the reason why I made excuses for not going to Ohio or Tennessee with the rest of my family this year. Three days with them was just perfect-enough. I do feel bad for doing this but, I actually felt good about the decision i made. – I LOVE my family, I do, I ve done so much with and for them but when it comes to holidays and in a big group of relatives- nah, not my thing. Even my son is experiencing this as he gets older. Now, he sees and understands that we re being “left out” at times. As he gets older, he feels the way we feel about our family/relatives. I still FEEL responsible to teach him not to have that attitude WHEN I DO have that attitude inside of me about not wanting to visit or do the holidays with hearing family/relatives, ya know? It’s hard. I also teach my son the importance of being with the family and relatives, love and appreciate them regardless. It’s all about family and we deal with it. I want to give my family some credit for trying to keep me in the loop when they were having conversations.. Not just to “relay” me of what they were talking about. I appreciate that, yet STILL.. they have a long way to learn. Now, I have a 5 months old nephew and I PRAY that they d expose a great deal on ASL with him. They ve got some sign books and basic sign language skills themselves… *cross fingers*
I told them that my son is deaf, it s more likely he will have deaf children and that I MAY have more children in the future, if that does happen- and they all may be deaf. they need to realize that they all need to start signing and involve me and my son just as much as they do with others. *not easy, Chris. I know. Let’s hope one day- things will get better for you and Leah. Other than being the minority – you ve got a wonderful and supportive family!