Archive for the ‘The CK & Alli Reality Show’ Category

Two weeks ago Alli returned from a deaf yoga retreat.

At one point during the week where we were paging each other during the day (she had no computer/Internet access at the Ashram), she boldly declared that the Kaftan household would be microwave and plastic container-free.

Now, waitamin.

Decisions like that should be made jointly, don’t you think?

That’s exactly what I typed to her in my response. That kept it quiet until she came back after the retreat and after the customary hugging and kissing and “I missed yous” I asked what that was all about.

Of course, we all know about plastics and the chemicals they leech if they are heated to specific temperatures or the likes. I told Alli I would prefer to keep our plastics. We don’t have another viable solution to store food. There aren’t flat, rectangular or square glass containers that we know of.

But the microwave, I was willing to part with. In fact, two days after Alli arrived, the microwave went into the basement, ready to be recycled or given away to someone who wants to harm their health with microwaves (not the machine, the radiation waves).

Alli then explained some changes she would be making: no more chicken. Even if we’ve been telling people we’re vegetarians for the last 23 months, we do cheat sometimes. But after Alli found out what really happens to chickens, she vowed no more.

Plus aspartame, the artificial sweetener found often in diet drinks? It’s responsible for more than 20,000 deaths a year. Out the window went all of our diet drinks and other food sweeteners with aspartame.

But this one grossed me out. I’m sure it will for you too. You know how a lot of yogurts have fruit on the bottom? (Think Dannon.) The red food coloring? Yessir. Look at the title of the blog. It’s beetle blood!

Or better yet, look at the label of your yogurt next time. If it has carmine, chances are it’s beetle.

I’m definitely staying away from Dannon and other red-colored yogurt, unless it has other more natural food coloring, like red cabbage (yes, literally, the yogurt I bought from Whole Foods has red cabbage food coloring).

I think I can live with red cabbage rather than beetle blood.


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Always an interesting day in the Kaftan household…

I can only cringe thinking about my own balls. Ow.

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Sunday morning Leah got up from eating the pancakes I made for the family (at 7:45am, no less) and disappeared for a good five minutes.

Upon returning to the table, she declared that she had (in ASL): POOPED HARD.

We giggled. Then being crazy parents, we asked what color it was and she replied with a matter-of-fact expression: “brown.”

Alli then looked at me and said “oh no, Leah will have to go to the hospital, she is sick and she will need shots!”

I nodded in agreement.  Leah looked at the two of us puzzled with a “wha?” expression.

“Leah has the wrong color poop. She needs purple poop.”

“No, you funny! Brown poop!”

“No, Leah. You need purple poop, Right dad?”

“Yep, my poop is blue. Girls have purple poop.”

Leah looked dumbfounded. Confused, she told Alli “NO! BROWN POOP!”

“No, honey, we have to bring you to the hospital for shots. You are sick.”

At that point, I think the misery got to her and she looked flustered and ran from the dining table, sobbing to the living room.


Alli walked over to her, consoled her and told her “I’m teasing” with a smile on her face.

Leah looked at Alli then at me, and through the tears smiled and said “you teased!” She started laughing.

Thus continues the saga of poop in our household.

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I went to meet Alli for her school project at Freer and Sackler Galleries (part of the Smithsonian Institution).

We pretty much didn’t do anything there except steal gazes at each other and I mustered up the courage to give her a kiss in front of some kind of Japanese tapestry enclosed in a protective glass.

There became our everlasting courtship. It’s been nine years since.

As our faboo friend Shilpa always says when she sees what shenanigans we’re up to — “you guys should start your own reality TV show,” to our “yeah, yeah, we’ve heard that before,” the CK and Alli Reality Show has been airing for nine years now, and won’t be off the air for quite a while.

Happy date-nniversary, hon!


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